We all know that children are living nightmares, whose general worth has yet to be proven. Here are ten child-rearing tips to better manage your damnable hellions:
1. Children have poor motor skills, and generally can’t wipe themselves until at least the age of fourteen. But even then the child will not be good at it, and will require constant assistance. I personally recommend a sloppy wet rag.
2. A general rule about spanking: the age of the child determines the appropriate number of spanks. For example, an eight year-old child might require eight spanks, whilst a twenty-five year old merits no less than twenty-five.
3. Constantly tell the child that he or she is not real, and that everything in the world is a fiction that you alone made up, and that when you die the world dies with you. I just want to see what happens.
4. Make your child terrified of skin cancer, and the harmful effects of the sun. Encourage them to live in an underground bunker, which is probably where this whole human experiment is gonna end up anyway.
5. In order to better deal with your child’s misbehavior, consider creating an alternate personality. This personality will come to be known as the ‘Bad Dad,’ and your kids won’t want any part of him.
6. If you become tired of your own child and would like to make a trade, there are many parents in your position. They meet regularly at local playgrounds and movie theaters and would be more than happy to try out a different kid for a while.
7. Try to recall the lessons of your own parents, and how annoying they were, and realize that in the eyes of your children you also suck. They will never think you’re cool, and it isn’t your job to make them think so, and it’s kind of weird that you want them to anyway.
8. Kids don’t go to prison until the age of eighteen in most states. Use them to forge a criminal empire that local police will be powerless to stop.
9. Always address your children from an elevated vantage point, never eye to eye. If you have to use a stepladder, do so.
10. Never let them see you sleep. They have to believe that you are always awake, always watching them, and that there is no sin they can commit that you will not see. This will also make it easier for them to accept the waking nightmare that is God.