Looking for the top ten restaurants in Milford, NJ? First, how did you find Milford? Who told you about it? Did you wake up here after another one of your benders? You really need to get your shit together. But before you do, here are the ten best restaurants in this godforsaken zip code:
1. Harry’s Taco Haven. They make and sell tacos. The chef spit in my face and called me a ninny, which usually costs extra. Four stars.
2. The Big Rub. Country-style barbecue. The waiters are actual cows, so you don’t have to leave a tip, but you can kill and eat them. The shock of the bolt gun as the dull thud travels up your arms is part of the experience. Three and a half stars.
3. Bennington’s. This is your standard bar and grill type joint, a popular hotspot for office drones at the end of a long workday. If you slide your foot under the divider the man in the next stall will proposition you for sex. Three and a half stars.
4. Dino Burger. This is a single location fast food franchise started up in the mid nineties back when dinosaurs were popular. It’s mostly for kids and the food is garbage, but the drugs are fantastic. Five stars.
5. Mary’s dumpster. This is not an actual restaurant, but in fact the dumpster of a local woman named Mary. Mary is single, lives alone, and is one hell of a cook. I eat there often. One night Mary almost saw me but I think she thought I was a gremlin. Four stars.
6. The Pasta Hut. They sell pasta with assorted toppings. Every once in a while the chef will chuck a wad of hot pasta at a lucky customer. If he rocks you in the face you will be scalded but your meal is free. Three and a half stars.
7. Smashing Burger. A desperate attempt to cash in on a more popular hot burger chain, this establishment exists solely to deceive the hungry and gullible into consuming their shoddy beef. The owners truly are human pond scum, and totally unworthy of your time or consideration. Three stars.
8. Mama’s Hot Vittles. Food with some stank on it. If you want extra stank they’ll probably give it to you. They certainly don’t seem to be hurting for stank. Four stars.
9. Mr. Pizza’s Steakhouse. With a name like that, you’d think they serve steaks here. But apparently steak is just what Mr. Pizza calls Chinese food. Three stars.
10. Ralph’s Shithole. This place sucks. Ralph doesn’t seem to care about this business or his life in general. He just sits at the register with a gun to his temple and a faraway look in his eyes. I asked him for more ketchup and he said he’d never heard of ketchup. I said, “Pull the trigger, Ralph.” Ralph said, “Fuck you.” Three stars.