First of all, I’m proud of you for clicking this. You may not understand why you did, but I do. It’s because you care about your future. Because the spirt of truth still matters. And because you know as well as I do that the anti-beef lobbyists currently poisoning the minds of the medical community against massive beef consumption are part of an Illuminati plot to keep us weak on nothing but the salad and the fixin’s.
Your life is now a holy crusade. You must spread the Word of Beef to all who will listen, and especially those who don’t. Some of these negative voices will belong to people with medical degrees, who I have already proved to you are in the pockets of our unholy masters.
Beef is sacred and you must consume it in large quantities if you want to be considered a real man (or lady).
Beef makes you stronger than the other fathers in the neighborhood. You don’t even have to work out that much if you eat enough beef. All the beef you eat just becomes muscles.
I want to be a well-muscled beefman like my father. He ate so much beef it was crazy. People thought he was insane. But he needed the muscles for his work. I don’t really remember what his job was, but it involved lifting boxes. “Goddamn fucking boxes!” he would often scream in the middle of the night. Then he’d eat beef to calm down. It got so bad that after a while the old man couldn’t sleep a wink without at least a pound and a half of beef in his system.
He smelled bad too. His doctor blamed the beef, but my dad assured us the odor was unrelated. We later set fire to the doctor’s car.
If my kid ever becomes a vegetarian, I will kill myself. I will stick a gun into my right eye and pull the trigger. My life is pretty bad right now and that would be the last straw.
Children are very stupid and need frequent reminders of this fact. It is therefore morally right to traumatize your children into adopting proper habits of beef consumption. The alternative is doom.
Yesterday I argued with a man on the sidewalk about beef. He said it was just okay. I smacked him right in his fucking mouth. His small child called me a bad person. I threw some beef at him to shut him up. He did shut up and realized that his father was a pussy. This is called beef-cucking, and I plan to do a lot of it.
See you soon.