Beef is sacred and that is why I must consume it in large quantities. My doctor thinks I’m an asshole and that I’ll die by age fifty, but he has too much nostril hair.
Beef makes me stronger than the other fathers in the neighborhood. You don’t even have to work out that much if you eat enough beef. All the beef you eat just becomes muscles.
I want to be a well-muscled beefman like my father. He ate so much beef it was crazy. People thought he was insane. But he needed the muscles for his work. I don’t remember what his job was exactly, but it involved lifting boxes. “Goddamn fucking boxes!” he would often scream in the middle of the night. Then he’d eat beef to calm down. It got so bad that after a while the old man couldn’t sleep a wink without at least a pound and a half of beef in his system.
He smelled bad too. His doctor blamed the beef, but my dad assured us the odor was unrelated. We later set fire to the doctor’s car.
If my kid ever becomes a vegetarian, I will kill myself. I will stick a gun into my right eye and pull the trigger. My life is pretty bad right now and that would be the last straw.
Children are very stupid and need frequent reminders of this fact. It is therefore morally right to traumatize your children into adopting proper habits of beef consumption. The alternative is doom.
Yesterday I argued with a man on the sidewalk about beef. He said it was just okay. I smacked him right in his fucking mouth. His small child called me a bad person. I threw some beef at him to shut him up. He did shut up and realized that his father was a pussy. This is called beef-cucking, and I plan to do a lot of it.
See you soon.