I don’t know what the big deal was. It was a nice piece of meat. I only buy quality. But you try telling that to a dame who’s just discovered your terrible secret. “What the fuck is this?” she said of the sausage resting beside my mediocre dick.
“It’s a sausage,” I said. “What the hell does it look like?”
“Look,” she said, “you’re not charming. You’re not particularly handsome, and your sense of humor is embarrassing. I only started talking to you at the bar because I thought you had a monster wang.”
“Well, now you know the sorry truth,” I said, sitting up on the soiled mattress. I sighed, shook my head, and explained to the woman, “There’s no such thing as a monster wang. No one has one. Like anywhere. It’s just a bunch of bullshit they made up for the porn industry.”
“No, it very much isn’t,” she said. “I know from painful experience.”
“Well, then what you experienced was a lie. That man was lying to you.”
“Oh, really?” the lady said, still incredulous.
Now I was getting irritated. “It was probably just another sausage! You think I came up with this tradition all by myself? Well, I didn’t! My father taught me this trick, as did my grandfather, as did my uncle. They really wanted to hammer home the importance of it. There was a lot of talk about bloodlines, about our heritage, and how it must be preserved and continue to fester through the generations.” By this point the withered crone was getting dressed and leaving. “Oh, fine,” I said after her. “I guess I’ll just sit here alone. With my sausage.” She left the apartment. I think she stole my watch.
But I write this not for accusations of theft, but in disgust of the general population’s abject ignorance.
Let’s say it together now: THERE. IS. NO. SUCH. THING. AS. A. LARGE. PENIS. The whole idea is ludicrous. I am tired of this destructive myth and the damage it has done to the fragile male psyche.
Every so-called large penis you have ever seen is just a sausage purchased from your local butcher, and placed inside a skin-colored sock. From there one end of the sausage is mounted to the male pelvis with duct tape in roughly the same position as the original penis, and the original penis is tucked safely underneath.
Okay? That’s all it is. Not that impressive, guys. You don’t have to make such a big deal out of it.
And don’t worry, I ate the sausage. I paid for the damn thing, didn’t I?