Tired of marriage? Wondering why you did this to yourself? Check out beefcarcass.com‘s ten tips for a successful marriage:
1. Tell your spouse you’ve seen prettier, but not by much. This kind of backhanded compliment instills in your spouse the subconscious fear that you might be settling and will encourage them to work harder.
2. It isn’t the 1950’s anymore. Your wife probably won’t make you dinner, probably has a job herself, and might even make more money than you do. So call her boss and spread lies about her drinking problem. They will likely cut her hours.
3. Make sex night (Tuesday) mandatory, come hell or high water. Doesn’t matter if you both have migraine headaches and explosive diarrhea. Every Tuesday night at exactly 8:35pm there will be intercourse. Intercourse will be had. Otherwise, you might as well divorce.
4. Consider divorcing for a while, just to spice things up. This will also provide a unique opportunity to gauge the loyalties of your children.
5. Make a movie. A SEX movie. Have it star yourself and any number of coworkers and neighbors, and general people you’ve always wanted to have sex with. When your spouse complains remind them that it’s only for a movie and offer them a producer’s credit.
6. The world has too many people in it; consider not contributing more. Being childless will also make any future breakup between you and your spouse less complicated to navigate emotionally.
7. On your anniversary, hide yourself in a cake. When your spouse opens the cake and sees you, they will wonder how you shrunk yourself down and got in there in the first place. This is your chance to talk about your new ray gun. This will give your spouse the impression that you have a lot going on and might be more interesting and mysterious than they had originally assumed.
8. Take up kickboxing. Really kick-box the shit out of each other.
9. Redirect any negativity you might be feeling toward your spouse onto your household pet. It has yet to be proven by any reputable university that dogs experience genuine emotions, and at least circumstantial evidence exists to suggest that dogs are a bunch of liars.
10. Until someone invents time travel, you and your spouse are likely stuck together in some way or another for the foreseeable future. Invent time travel.