Kenny Sharkman: Harpoon
Paprika.
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MAKE YOUR OWN NINJA TURTLE
“What do you mean you’ve never heard of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?” I shouted at the stupid girl in the pet store. It was all I could do to keep from knocking her down and stepping on her. How could she not have known? “There were four of them! Mutants! Turtles! Christ, the whole
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THAT TIME I WENT TO A BAR
Again the woman threw her drink in my face. Red wine rolled down my chin and stained my favorite tie. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” I told her. “I said I’d like to have sex with you.” “Oh,” the woman said. “I thought you said you worked for the postal service.” “No ma’am. I
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LORD OF THE THINGS
It was the middle of the night, and I was sleeping soundly, when the window beside my bed slid open. I shot up in terror as the oblong shape lumbered over the sill and put his foot upon my mattress. He huffed and grumbled and when the whole of him had finally made it inside
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THAT TIME I WAS A STOOL PIGEON
Eddie Two-Nose said to those fat greasy mooks around the table, “Johnny the Scar is gettin’ fifteen to twenty for making those old ladies box each other. So he’s fucked. What I want to know is… which one of you scumbags finked?” And he pointed at us with his large index finger, and his large
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INDIANA HOOT AND THE CURSE OF SOME SHIT-HOLE
(DISCLAIMER: The following entry contains several racial epithets and instances of human rights abuse. Beefcarcass.com does not condone or support such language or any of the actions described herein. However, in the interest of journalistic accuracy, and for possible use as evidence against the man at his eventual trial, we print Dr. Harvey “Hoot” Cracker’s
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