It’s an age-old question: How do I force my child to consume more beef without drawing the attention of child protective services?
Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer. Probably why the question is so goddamn old. When Abraham nearly killed his son back in the olden days it wasn’t just because Jesus said it was a good idea. No. It was because Isaac was a dipshit, and a bullshit vegetarian. Abraham said, “Son, you will eat the beef your Lord has bestowed upon us,” and Isaac was like, “Not today, Pa.” You ask me, Isaac got off easy. Little fucker should be dead. But God was like, “No. Maybe later.” You ask me, God chickened the fuck out. So did Abraham. Honestly, they both kinda biffed it.
I would never name my son Isaac. It’s a stupid name of a beefless man. But can he really be called a man at all? No. Fuck him. And fuck my son, too.
Last weekend I crept into my son’s room and attempted to funnel ground beef into his sleeping mouth through a large tube. I know some people say sucking on tubes is gay but I think it is far gayer not to consume your daily dose of beef. He woke up in the middle of it, his large white eyes shiny with tears, which only made me hate him more. He spat out most of it, but I think at least some of it got into his lungs. So on the whole I call the evening a draw.
No, my child no longer makes eye contact with me. When I go to tuck him in it at night he hides beneath the covers. And when I try to hug him, his body goes stiff as a board, and sometimes I hear whimpering.
But that is a father’s burden. I do not require my child’s love. I don’t want it. Love is stupid. A father’s purpose is not to make friends with his child, it is merely to ensure that his child survives long enough to procreate and carry on the bloodline. There is no other meaning in life. And I know of no better means to toughen up my son than by plying his delicate organs with raw beef until he turns twelve, gets married, and has children of his own.
So I say the answer to man’s greatest riddle is that child protective services are a scam. They don’t know your kid. They don’t know what the hell’s going on. So give your kid some beef. Keep feeding your children beef so that they are strong and fat enough to survive the coming winter. It’s going to be a long one. The longest winter of your fucking lives.