God’s wrath is total and without end. You should fear the fires of His eternal damnation at every waking moment. Become as obsessed with avoiding Hell as you are with sending your many enemies there to burn. It is the only sane way to live.
With that in mind, here are ten tips to help you better survive in church:
1. Saltpeter. This one is easy to remember because Peter was the name of a guy.
2. While your pastor is droning on about something or other, teach yourself the alphabet backwards. This will come in handy for your post-brunch sobriety test.
3. Recommend to the congregation that next year’s Nativity play should be done in the style of Kabuki. People will probably stop talking to you.
4. Use the time to tend to your ant farm. You can keep it on the floor by your feet.
5. Compliment the scents of the old biddies in the pew ahead of you. They might give you the crackers they keep in their purse.
6. Bring a Gameboy. Remember Dr. Mario?
7. Wear a diaper. If you start squirming too much you’ll hear the crinkles and think to yourself, “hey, that’s too many crinkles.”
8. Invent your own ten commandments. Who’s stopping you?
9. Pit famous biblical characters against each other in your mind. Ask yourself who would win in a fight. Moses or Abraham? Goliath or Jesus? Jonah or Captain Ahab? Really picture the match too, all twelve rounds of it. Consider the pros and cons of each fighter. For example, Goliath had reach, but Jesus could really take a beating.
10. When it comes time for a hymnal, really go for it. I mean really belt that fucker out. Scream it if you have to, just make it so that your voice is the only thing that anyone else can hear. This discourages future hymnals.