I think to be a crustacean must be the worst thing in the world. They are truly the shittiest of creatures, bottom-feeding relics of a prehistory best forgotten, with no business or place in this current century. We have computers now. VR headsets. What’s a crab even supposed to do around here?
Crustaceans are simply not adapted to our new modern fast-paced techno-savvy world. We are movers and shakers now. Wheelers and dealers. We don’t stop to smell the roses; we don’t have the time. Time is money. Wall Street. Crypto. Non-fungible tokens. Big time stuff, baby. All I’m saying is that crabs would probably thank us for murdering them. I mean just picture a crab in the middle of Times Square. Imagine its confusion!
And they really are ugly as hell. To a level that is frankly unreasonable.
Now, I’m not a blasphemer, but I am a man with a curious mind, and I have to ask what in the name of Jesus Christ was God thinking when he made these ungodly things? Was he in a bad mood?
Would you ever kiss a crab? Would you invite a lobster over for dinner, or allow it to date your hottest daughter? No, and why should you?
I like to think of lobsters as shit lobsters. I naturally assume that every crustacean alive today was a terrible rapist or murderer in at least several past lifetimes. They are scavengers, like bugs, and vultures. And vultures are ugly. So are bugs.
Except for the praying mantis of course, which is beauty personified, truly a marvel of creation. Some say that to gaze into the eyes of a mantis is to see one’s own soul. Surely God rested on the seventh day because he had created the mantis, and saw that it was good.
But have you ever seen a horseshoe crab? What the fuck is that thing? Why is it still here? Or what about a coconut crab? Don’t look them up. They’re disgusting, and if you did look them up, why did you do that? I bet you feel like a real asshole.
Shrimp are also pieces of shit. No one respects a shrimp. That’s why we call people we don’t respect shrimp, as in, “Hey shrimp, get the fuck off my lawn,” or, “Fuck your little shrimp dick.”
I once knew a shrimp with five kids by four different women, and he never bothered to meet a single one of them. He was a deadbeat in every sense of the word.
Crustaceans are the worst.
Still don’t believe me? Eat shit. Because I had a dream last night, and in that dream was a giant lobster. It was standing right over my bed. Fucker was seven feet tall if it was an inch. Started poking me with its big red lobster claw. Said it didn’t like the look of me. Said it didn’t like my kind, and thought human beings were encroaching on its territory. “You’re ruining our way of life,” the lobster told me in its low baritone.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t realize.” And I begged and pleaded for my life but the lobster killed me anyway. In the dream, I mean. It cut off my arms and legs and called me Stumpy.
This is what they do. This is the kind of people they are. I have always believed that you should take dreams one hundred percent literally, and what I saw in my dream was a glimpse of a terrible future, one in which mankind has gone too far in its zeal to breed new super foods, and the giant lobsters are surely a deadly side effect of our technological hubris. The lobsters will naturally go on to gain self-awareness, rather quickly I would assume, and thus begin the great crustacean rebellion that will determine the ultimate fate of our world.
But we can stop it. We can end this threat right now. It’s not too late.
Vote NO on Proposition 18. Deny crustaceans citizenship.
And while you’re at it, go ahead and vote YES on Proposition 31, which says we can shoot crabs directly in the face at close range.
Remember, that’s a NO on Prop 18, and a YES on Prop 31.
Don’t fuck it up. I’ll be irritated.