You can read these on the shitter.
I was twelve years old, and the family had been summoned to the casa de Susan for that year’s Thanksgiving holiday bash. Everyone who was anyone would be there. Your favorite cousin Gilroy? He’d be there. Your least favorite uncle Ziggy? You bet he’d be there. And old Grandma Beatrice? Yep, she was going too. […]
THANKSGIVING AT AUNT SUSAN’S Read More »
I remember thinking, “Hey, queer! Get your queer hands off me!” But the doctor didn’t listen. He pulled me out the same. “Welcome to the world,” the doctor said. “Fuck off!” I said. I decided then and there that I was going to be a bad baby. “Hold on, I have to cut that pesky
THAT TIME I WAS A BABY Read More »
“What do you mean you’ve never heard of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?” I shouted at the stupid girl in the pet store. It was all I could do to keep from knocking her down and stepping on her. How could she not have known? “There were four of them! Mutants! Turtles! Christ, the whole
MAKE YOUR OWN NINJA TURTLE Read More »
Again the woman threw her drink in my face. Red wine rolled down my chin and stained my favorite tie. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” I told her. “I said I’d like to have sex with you.” “Oh,” the woman said. “I thought you said you worked for the postal service.” “No ma’am. I
THAT TIME I WENT TO A BAR Read More »
It was the middle of the night, and I was sleeping soundly, when the window beside my bed slid open. I shot up in terror as the oblong shape lumbered over the sill and put his foot upon my mattress. He huffed and grumbled and when the whole of him had finally made it inside
LORD OF THE THINGS Read More »
Eddie Two-Nose said to those fat greasy mooks around the table, “Johnny the Scar is gettin’ fifteen to twenty for making those old ladies box each other. So he’s fucked. What I want to know is… which one of you scumbags finked?” And he pointed at us with his large index finger, and his large
THAT TIME I WAS A STOOL PIGEON Read More »
(DISCLAIMER: The following entry contains several racial epithets and instances of human rights abuse. Beefcarcass.com does not condone or support such language or any of the actions described herein. However, in the interest of journalistic accuracy, and for possible use as evidence against the man at his eventual trial, we print Dr. Harvey “Hoot” Cracker’s
INDIANA HOOT AND THE CURSE OF SOME SHIT-HOLE Read More »
Looking for the top ten restaurants in Milford, NJ? First, how did you find Milford? Who told you about it? Did you wake up here after another one of your benders? You really need to get your shit together. But before you do, here are the ten best restaurants in this godforsaken zip code: 1.
Top Ten Restaurants in Milford, NJ Read More »
I do not understand tits. What is the matter with you people? Why wouldn’t you just lay an egg and be done with it? And what’s the deal with milk? You just squirt milk now? How are you not disgusted with your species as a whole? Call me old-fashioned, but I just don’t get it.
STRAY THOUGHTS FROM A DUCK Read More »
God’s wrath is total and without end. You should fear the fires of His eternal damnation at every waking moment. Become as obsessed with avoiding Hell as you are with sending your many enemies there to burn. It is the only sane way to live. With that in mind, here are ten tips to help
How To Survive Church Read More »
I met George Lucas one summer in an Acme supermarket. It was your standard meet-cute: we both reached for the same box of mushrooms at the same time when our hands brushed against each other. I noticed the man’s hands were smooth as a baby’s ass. “Oh,” I said, chuckling. “I’m sorry.” “No, no,” the
THAT TIME I MET GEORGE LUCAS Read More »
I don’t know what the big deal was. It was a nice piece of meat. I only buy quality. But you try telling that to a dame who’s just discovered your terrible secret. “What the fuck is this?” she said of the sausage resting beside my mediocre dick. “It’s a sausage,” I said. “What the
THAT TIME I STUFFED A SAUSAGE DOWN MY PANTS Read More »
There I was, revving up the church choir with some stirring renditions of “HIGH UP ON HIGH” and “HALLOWED THOU ART,” hymnals that always got my feet-a-tappin’ and my heart-a-poundin’ as the white-hot power of the mighty Lord Jesus once again surged through my uncomfortably swollen brain. “Do you feel it?!” I kept shouting into
THAT TIME I WENT TO CHURCH Read More »
Always wanted to eat a raspberry Danish, but you don’t know how? This is a common problem for assholes. Luckily, beefcarcass.com has ten tips to help you achieve your impossible dream: 1. Wear a necktie. Trust me. 2. No, seriously. You don’t want to be caught eating a Danish without a necktie. 3. Are you
HOW TO EAT A RASPBERRY DANISH Read More »
We all know that children are living nightmares, whose general worth has yet to be proven. Here are ten child-rearing tips to better manage your damnable hellions: 1. Children have poor motor skills, and generally can’t wipe themselves until at least the age of fourteen. But even then the child will not be good at
Top Ten Child-Rearing Tips Read More »
