You can read these on the shitter.
My date that night was named Rebecca something. She had hair. She also wore clothes for some reason. “Okay, sweetheart,” I said, standing in the concession line. “Fork over the cash.” “Excuse me?” “Come on, toots. You paid for the tickets; you might as well follow through with the sweet treats. Don’t give me no […]
THAT TIME I WENT TO THE MOVIES Read More »
I have just filed for divorce from my wife of twenty-three years. Rebecca Helen O’Shanley will always hold a special place in my heart, but I can no longer allow her poisonous anti-beef rhetoric to poison the minds of our four beautiful children. To allow her any future contact with them would be tantamount to
SCANDAL: MY WIFE HATES BEEF! Read More »
It’s an age-old question: How do I force my child to consume more beef without drawing the attention of child protective services? Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer. Probably why the question is so goddamn old. When Abraham nearly killed his son back in the olden days it wasn’t just because Jesus said it was a
My Son is a Beefless Heathen Read More »
Beef is sacred and that is why I must consume it in large quantities. My doctor thinks I’m an asshole and that I’ll die by age fifty, but he has too much nostril hair. Beef makes me stronger than the other fathers in the neighborhood. You don’t even have to work out that much if
THE WAY OF THE BEEF Read More »
How much beef did you eat today? Whatever your answer, the latest medical research suggests it may not be enough. “What we’re seeing in the last several years is a general downward trend in patients’ critical beef levels,” says Dr. Delroy Thomas of Morristown Medical Center. “And the trend is troubling.” Many experts blame our
BUT ARE YOU EATING ENOUGH BEEF? Read More »
Welcome to the new and exciting world of beefcarcass.com! Some of you may remember us as sliceofhell.com, but those days are DEAD. GONE. GET ‘EM THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Why the name change? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe my family is being held hostage by some kinda beef guy. Maybe I worship a hideous
THE GREAT BEEFENING Read More »
What does Hollywood want? Damned if I know! Those uppity Hollywood bigwigs have once again rejected my screenplay, Give Me Back My Poop, a harrowing tale of an unwed mother’s battle against a tyrannical poop-stealing landlord. That the story is based on true events doesn’t seem to interest them in the slightest, nor does the
WHAT HOLLYWOOD WANTS Read More »
“Ouch!” I said. “Some fuckin’ thing bit me!” I saw the small black spider on the back of my hand, and wondered if the spider was gay. Biting a man, and all. “Are you gay?” I asked it. “Are you a gay spider?” Then I threw it out the window. Later I developed super powers.
THAT TIME I GOT BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE SPIDER Read More »
I’d just slam-dunked the fuck out of a basketball onto the heads of a bunch of pimply-faced teenagers when I noticed something was wrong with my ankle. “Damn it,” I said, hopping on one foot. “What’s wrong, old man?” one of the stupid little shits asked me. “You too OLD or something?” “None of your
I was on a plane. We were going somewhere or another, I don’t remember. And I didn’t really care. I was only there for the peanuts. There is something about airline peanuts. They just hit the tongue differently than your ordinary everyday land peanuts. Maybe it’s the shiny packages they pack them in. Maybe it’s
THAT TIME I WAS ON A PLANE Read More »
Well, for some reason you people have elected me President, and that’s just what happened. We’re going to have to deal with it. I don’t know what it means either. And between you and me, I am dangerously unqualified for the position. I don’t know what most things are. Shiny objects distract me; loud noises
ATTENTION: I AM NOW THE PRESIDENT Read More »
“You call this spaghetti?” I said, running my fingers through the wet hot strands in the pot, balling it in my fists. “I call it crap!” And I began to throw pasta around the room like a monkey throws poop. A waiter told me to get out of the kitchen. The chef threatened me with
THAT TIME I WENT ON A DATE Read More »
There I was, huffing nitrous behind the black wheel of a blacker ’68 Mustang and playing with my turgid prick. “This is the goddamn best,” I said in between blackouts. “Fuck you. Fuck everybody. I am God.” I ran the demon machine up on its side and rode that fucker down Main Street on two
THAT TIME I DID A BUNCH OF COOL SHIT Read More »
The line ahead of me seemed to stretch on forever, infinite bodies winding through a labyrinth of velvet ropes. Noisy children wiped the snot from their noses. Tired parents struggled with bags and boxes under the shadow of a great fake pine tree that reached all the way up to the third floor of the
THAT TIME I MET SANTA CLAUS Read More »
“Can I see your vaccination card?” It was my third dose. The booster. I fished the card from my busted up wallet. The card was crumpled and bent. “Keeping good care of it, I see,” the middle-aged Asian man said, real condescending like. I chuckled politely, like I thought it was a joke. But he
THAT TIME I GOT THE VACCINE Read More »
