How much beef did you eat today? Whatever your answer, the latest medical research suggests it may not be enough.
“What we’re seeing in the last several years is a general downward trend in patients’ critical beef levels,” says Dr. Delroy Thomas of Morristown Medical Center. “And the trend is troubling.”
Many experts blame our dwindling beef intake on an influx of recent anti-beef propaganda. Professor Reuben Marigold of Princeton University explains, “There is a preponderance of dangerous disinformation surrounding beef consumption. People often say, ‘Oh, too much beef is bad for your heart. It’s bad for your cholesterol.’ And I say who are these people? Who are they to speak this way? Bring them before me.”
Dr. Rebecca Van Johnson of Columbia University agrees. “Beef fears are largely unfounded, most of them dismissible by even the most superficial research.” She goes on to explain, “Beef is like any other vitamin. The medical community tells us we should get about 500 milligrams of vitamin C a day, when really, we should be taking five times that amount in beef. Beef is actually way more important than vitamins.”
A NEW LEASE ON LIFE
Mr. Martin Luis Dansbury of Oaktown, Massachusetts may already be experiencing the benefits of an all-beef diet. Claiming to be one hundred percent healthier than an ordinary 90-year-old man, this spry 77-year-old can still climb a ladder and handle light laundry. “I don’t really like doing laundry,” Mr. Dansbury shares. “But it sure beats being dead.”
When asked what prompted him to switch to an all-beef diet, the aging septuagenarian simply says, “My wife died and can’t tell me what to do anymore. Since I started eating beef I feel like a centaur.”
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PLANTS?
Research scientists at UC San Diego now believe that beef is the most important natural element on the planet, and a vital part of the food chain. “Even plants eat beef now,” Dr. Menahem Shatz tells his students as he feeds raw beef to a hungry Venus flytrap. “Ow! This freaking thing bit me! Just kidding.”
Dr. Shatz believes we’re going to see more and more plants adopting an all-beef diet in the future. “Plants are smarter than you think. They’re naturally attuned to the planetary and atmospheric changes around them, and likely knew long before we did about the coming global storms.”
THE COMING STORMS
You heard that right, folks. The global storms are upon us. And what’s the best defense against their devastating and possibly radioactive effects? Yep, you guessed it.
“You’re going to want to start stocking up on beef yesterday,” advises Dr. Leonard Sang of the Wisconsin Institute of Medicine. “I just bought a third freezer and I’m stealing a fourth from my neighbor Wallace this weekend.”
His neighbor Wallace tells us, “Dr. Sang is not getting my freezer. How’s he even gonna sneak out of my house with an entire freezer?”
“The bottom line,” Dr. Sang explains, “is that once these storms hit, we predict that 80-90% of our beef-less population will be dead within 48 hours. I realize many of us will say good riddance, but if you don’t wish to join the damned in hell, we suggest increasing your daily beef intake by at least twelve percent immediately.”
The President is expected to address the nation on Thursday.