I have just filed for divorce from my wife of twenty-three years. Rebecca Helen O’Shanley will always hold a special place in my heart, but I can no longer allow her poisonous anti-beef rhetoric to poison the minds of our four beautiful children. To allow her any future contact with them would be tantamount to […]
SCANDAL: MY WIFE HATES BEEF! Read More »
It’s an age-old question: How do I force my child to consume more beef without drawing the attention of child protective services? Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer. Probably why the question is so goddamn old. When Abraham nearly killed his son back in the olden days it wasn’t just because Jesus said it was a
My Son is a Beefless Heathen Read More »
Beef is sacred and that is why I must consume it in large quantities. My doctor thinks I’m an asshole and that I’ll die by age fifty, but he has too much nostril hair. Beef makes me stronger than the other fathers in the neighborhood. You don’t even have to work out that much if
THE WAY OF THE BEEF Read More »
How much beef did you eat today? Whatever your answer, the latest medical research suggests it may not be enough. “What we’re seeing in the last several years is a general downward trend in patients’ critical beef levels,” says Dr. Delroy Thomas of Morristown Medical Center. “And the trend is troubling.” Many experts blame our
BUT ARE YOU EATING ENOUGH BEEF? Read More »
Welcome to the new and exciting world of beefcarcass.com! Some of you may remember us as sliceofhell.com, but those days are DEAD. GONE. GET ‘EM THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Why the name change? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe my family is being held hostage by some kinda beef guy. Maybe I worship a hideous
THE GREAT BEEFENING Read More »
What does Hollywood want? Damned if I know! Those uppity Hollywood bigwigs have once again rejected my screenplay, Give Me Back My Poop, a harrowing tale of an unwed mother’s battle against a tyrannical poop-stealing landlord. That the story is based on true events doesn’t seem to interest them in the slightest, nor does the
WHAT HOLLYWOOD WANTS Read More »
I’d just slam-dunked the fuck out of a basketball onto the heads of a bunch of pimply-faced teenagers when I noticed something was wrong with my ankle. “Damn it,” I said, hopping on one foot. “What’s wrong, old man?” one of the stupid little shits asked me. “You too OLD or something?” “None of your
