My date that night was named Rebecca something. She had hair. She also wore clothes for some reason. “Okay, sweetheart,” I said, standing in the concession line. “Fork over the cash.” “Excuse me?” “Come on, toots. You paid for the tickets; you might as well follow through with the sweet treats. Don’t give me no […]
THAT TIME I WENT TO THE MOVIES Read More »
I have just filed for divorce from my wife of twenty-three years. Rebecca Helen O’Shanley will always hold a special place in my heart, but I can no longer allow her poisonous anti-beef rhetoric to poison the minds of our four beautiful children. To allow her any future contact with them would be tantamount to
SCANDAL: MY WIFE HATES BEEF! Read More »
It’s an age-old question: How do I force my child to consume more beef without drawing the attention of child protective services? Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer. Probably why the question is so goddamn old. When Abraham nearly killed his son back in the olden days it wasn’t just because Jesus said it was a
My Son is a Beefless Heathen Read More »
Beef is sacred and that is why I must consume it in large quantities. My doctor thinks I’m an asshole and that I’ll die by age fifty, but he has too much nostril hair. Beef makes me stronger than the other fathers in the neighborhood. You don’t even have to work out that much if
THE WAY OF THE BEEF Read More »
How much beef did you eat today? Whatever your answer, the latest medical research suggests it may not be enough. “What we’re seeing in the last several years is a general downward trend in patients’ critical beef levels,” says Dr. Delroy Thomas of Morristown Medical Center. “And the trend is troubling.” Many experts blame our
BUT ARE YOU EATING ENOUGH BEEF? Read More »
Welcome to the new and exciting world of beefcarcass.com! Some of you may remember us as sliceofhell.com, but those days are DEAD. GONE. GET ‘EM THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Why the name change? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe my family is being held hostage by some kinda beef guy. Maybe I worship a hideous
THE GREAT BEEFENING Read More »
What does Hollywood want? Damned if I know! Those uppity Hollywood bigwigs have once again rejected my screenplay, Give Me Back My Poop, a harrowing tale of an unwed mother’s battle against a tyrannical poop-stealing landlord. That the story is based on true events doesn’t seem to interest them in the slightest, nor does the
WHAT HOLLYWOOD WANTS Read More »
“Ouch!” I said. “Some fuckin’ thing bit me!” I saw the small black spider on the back of my hand, and wondered if the spider was gay. Biting a man, and all. “Are you gay?” I asked it. “Are you a gay spider?” Then I threw it out the window. Later I developed super powers.
THAT TIME I GOT BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE SPIDER Read More »
“You call this spaghetti?” I said, running my fingers through the wet hot strands in the pot, balling it in my fists. “I call it crap!” And I began to throw pasta around the room like a monkey throws poop. A waiter told me to get out of the kitchen. The chef threatened me with
THAT TIME I WENT ON A DATE Read More »
I remember thinking, “Hey, queer! Get your queer hands off me!” But the doctor didn’t listen. He pulled me out the same. “Welcome to the world,” the doctor said. “Fuck off!” I said. I decided then and there that I was going to be a bad baby. “Hold on, I have to cut that pesky
THAT TIME I WAS A BABY Read More »
“What do you mean you’ve never heard of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?” I shouted at the stupid girl in the pet store. It was all I could do to keep from knocking her down and stepping on her. How could she not have known? “There were four of them! Mutants! Turtles! Christ, the whole
MAKE YOUR OWN NINJA TURTLE Read More »
Again the woman threw her drink in my face. Red wine rolled down my chin and stained my favorite tie. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” I told her. “I said I’d like to have sex with you.” “Oh,” the woman said. “I thought you said you worked for the postal service.” “No ma’am. I
THAT TIME I WENT TO A BAR Read More »
It was the middle of the night, and I was sleeping soundly, when the window beside my bed slid open. I shot up in terror as the oblong shape lumbered over the sill and put his foot upon my mattress. He huffed and grumbled and when the whole of him had finally made it inside
LORD OF THE THINGS Read More »
Eddie Two-Nose said to those fat greasy mooks around the table, “Johnny the Scar is gettin’ fifteen to twenty for making those old ladies box each other. So he’s fucked. What I want to know is… which one of you scumbags finked?” And he pointed at us with his large index finger, and his large
THAT TIME I WAS A STOOL PIGEON Read More »
I met George Lucas one summer in an Acme supermarket. It was your standard meet-cute: we both reached for the same box of mushrooms at the same time when our hands brushed against each other. I noticed the man’s hands were smooth as a baby’s ass. “Oh,” I said, chuckling. “I’m sorry.” “No, no,” the
THAT TIME I MET GEORGE LUCAS Read More »
There I was, in my crocs and a sunhat and a pair of skimpy white shorts. I lowered my oversized cat-eye sunglasses to better gaze upon the pulsating curiosity that seemed to have sprung up overnight, right beside my prize-winning azaleas. It appeared to be an egg of some kind, roughly twice the size of
THAT TIME I FOUND A WEIRD GREEN EGG Read More »
I’d just slam-dunked the fuck out of a basketball onto the heads of a bunch of pimply-faced teenagers when I noticed something was wrong with my ankle. “Damn it,” I said, hopping on one foot. “What’s wrong, old man?” one of the stupid little shits asked me. “You too OLD or something?” “None of your
I was on a plane. We were going somewhere or another, I don’t remember. And I didn’t really care. I was only there for the peanuts. There is something about airline peanuts. They just hit the tongue differently than your ordinary everyday land peanuts. Maybe it’s the shiny packages they pack them in. Maybe it’s
THAT TIME I WAS ON A PLANE Read More »
Well, for some reason you people have elected me President, and that’s just what happened. We’re going to have to deal with it. I don’t know what it means either. And between you and me, I am dangerously unqualified for the position. I don’t know what most things are. Shiny objects distract me; loud noises
ATTENTION: I AM NOW THE PRESIDENT Read More »
There I was, huffing nitrous behind the black wheel of a blacker ’68 Mustang and playing with my turgid prick. “This is the goddamn best,” I said in between blackouts. “Fuck you. Fuck everybody. I am God.” I ran the demon machine up on its side and rode that fucker down Main Street on two
THAT TIME I DID A BUNCH OF COOL SHIT Read More »
